One of the many things that I've been doing since I've been in San Jose is working on my photography and page designing skills again. It really was great to try my hand at a once favorite occupation of mine.
One of the cool things that I discovered was that I still do have a love of design even though my skills in photography my be lacking.
It really does feel like I can now go forward with my life, my career and my happiness. It was as though the past few years I tried to do what "normal" people did and I was miserable.
I have learned that I cannot do what others want or expect of me when I expect so much more from myself. I see that now. Everything else was always a placeholder. something I had to do in order to have money to survive until I could get what I want.
Now that I can see what I want and understand the path I need to take to get there, things are much easier and I am much happier.
Who knew that all I needed to be happy was to communicate my need to be creative? I sure as hell didn't. I was ready to kill myself over the monotony of shit jobs.
Sadly enough, I feel like I've lost friends over my depression. I wasn't able to not be as sane as they liked.
It really is too bad because all I really wanted was or someone to believe that I could do something for myself and that I didn't have to it in the mold.
I could not longer be a slave to the 9 to 5, much less have a boss micro-managing my every move.
I got tired of hearing people say I needed to work harder and that I needed to get a real job.
No one knows how hard I work. My life is my job.
Just because I don't clock in and clock out and have a five- to six-figure income doesn't mean I'm doing nothing.
After I spilled my heart out to someone I thought was my best friend about my goals of wanting to be a model, she shot down my idea saying that I need to have a realistic five-year plan that wasn't so stupid.
That got me to clam up really quickly and I decided she didn't deserve to hear any of my other stupid ideas.
I told her I didn't ike living at home with my parents and wanted to live somewhere in the North Bay because it was far enough away that I could be away from everyone but close enough to still visit.
She told me not to, that I was being brainwashed by my boyfriend, not realizing that I really didn't want to be in San Jose.
During that time, I got in a heated argument with my brother and ended up getting kicked out of my parent's house.
A few days later, she sent me an e-mail, stating that she did not approve of my relationship with my boyfriend.
She said she didn't understand how I couldn't see how he was disrespecting me and she spent 25 years watching her mom go through the same thing.
By that time, I had enough.
I had my own business in the works that she thought was the stupidest idea ever and she said that she could not longer watch me drown.
I am still hurt by what she said. She didn't know the entire story and the more she lectured me on my life, the less I told her, so in the end, she was lecturing me purely on the assumption that I was unhappy with my boyfriend and not unhappy with my familial situation and she was absolutely unwilling to hear me out.
But I have learned a lot from this whole bit of drama.
I learned just not to say things and not to share my ideas with people until they have come to fruition.
I have learned to hide whatever feel because, in a way, my ups are really high and my lows are pretty devastating and I have no one who can really understand it.
So right now, I'm being busy and super productive, I am on top of the world.
But in a few weeks, I'll be back on my regimen to improve on myself or my work and I know I will have days were I will lack motivation because I will be isolated, focused on training and driving myself crazy.
Do I look forward to going back? Yes, because although I get a lot of work done here with photoshoots, I can't get a lick of exercise or dieting in here because I cheat too often and am too often tempted go play instead of actually doing things for the website.
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