A blast from the past

 Well, well. What'd'ya know?

I completely forgot that this blog existed.

Since it's here, I guess I'll use it.

Let the creativity flow!

Worn out

I'm tired and sore. It's not so bad standing up. But the transition from up to seated makes me cringe.
Perhaps it's a good idea to take a break today.
I'm hungry, I'm tired and there's a pain in my ass.
I am craving sugar like nobody's business.
I can't wait for cake.

Things change...

...and so do people.

And sometimes these changes make people and things look less attractive to me.
Or maybe they never did change and things just look different when I have contacts on. I don't know. It could be either. It could be anything.

I find myself, again, at odds with what people hope I feel and how I think. It's not like I have anything tangible to be upset about. I feel like my brain is against me. For the past week, I've been in a creative funk. Not only that, I find myself afraid to move forward. Everything just seems harder when you can't see progress.
Maybe I stare at things too long or too often. Maybe I have to analyze every detail and get frustrated when I see things barely budge an inch. And quite possibly, I am just not happy that the things that I do want to change, the things I do want to happen, don't happen instantaneously.

Perhaps it is the curse of technology that I don't have the patience to wait on success. After reading textbook after textbook of media critiques and web design basics, I feel stupider than ever. I feel under-qualified and overwhelmed. Why did I ever think I do this? I don't have the skills or the talent to pull something like this off. I'm not even a good journalist. Why would I ever think I could produce my own show? Fall is almost here.

Ping Pong! Practicing my shooting and designing skills all over again.

One of the many things that I've been doing since I've been in San Jose is working on my photography and page designing skills again. It really was great to try my hand at a once favorite occupation of mine.

One of the cool things that I discovered was that I still do have a love of design even though my skills in photography my be lacking.

It really does feel like I can now go forward with my life, my career and my happiness. It was as though the past few years I tried to do what "normal" people did and I was miserable.

I have learned that I cannot do what others want or expect of me when I expect so much more from myself. I see that now. Everything else was always a placeholder. something I had to do in order to have money to survive until I could get what I want.

Now that I can see what I want and understand the path I need to take to get there, things are much easier and I am much happier.

Who knew that all I needed to be happy was to communicate my need to be creative? I sure as hell didn't. I was ready to kill myself over the monotony of shit jobs.

Sadly enough, I feel like I've lost friends over my depression. I wasn't able to not be as sane as they liked.

It really is too bad because all I really wanted was or someone to believe that I could do something for myself and that I didn't have to it in the mold.

I could not longer be a slave to the 9 to 5, much less have a boss micro-managing my every move.

I got tired of hearing people say I needed to work harder and that I needed to get a real job.

No one knows how hard I work. My life is my job.

Just because I don't clock in and clock out and have a five- to six-figure income doesn't mean I'm doing nothing.

After I spilled my heart out to someone I thought was my best friend about my goals of wanting to be a model, she shot down my idea saying that I need to have a realistic five-year plan that wasn't so stupid.

That got me to clam up really quickly and I decided she didn't deserve to hear any of my other stupid ideas. 

 

I told her I didn't ike living at home with my parents and wanted to live somewhere in the North Bay because it was far enough away that I could be away from everyone but close enough to still visit. 

She told me not to, that I was being brainwashed by my boyfriend, not realizing that I really didn't want to be in San Jose.

During that time, I got in a heated argument with my brother and ended up getting kicked out of my parent's house.

A few days later, she sent me an e-mail, stating that she did not approve of my relationship with my boyfriend.

She said she didn't understand how I couldn't see how  he was disrespecting me and she spent 25 years watching her mom go through the same thing.

By that time, I had enough.

I had my own business in the works that she thought was the stupidest idea ever and she said that she could not longer watch me drown.

I am still hurt by what she said. She didn't know the entire story and the more she lectured me on my life, the less I told her, so in the end, she was lecturing me purely on the assumption that I was unhappy with my boyfriend and not unhappy with my familial situation and she was absolutely unwilling to hear me out.

But I have learned a lot from this whole bit of drama.

I learned just not to say things and not to share my ideas with people until they have come to fruition.

I have learned to hide whatever feel because, in a way, my ups are really high and my lows are pretty devastating and I have no one who can really understand it.

So right now, I'm being busy and super productive, I am on top of the world.

But in a few weeks, I'll be back on my regimen to improve on myself or my work and I know I will have days were I will lack motivation because I will be isolated, focused on training and driving myself crazy.

Do I look forward to going back? Yes, because although I get a lot of work done here with photoshoots, I can't get a lick of exercise or dieting in here because I cheat too often and am too often tempted go play instead of actually doing things for the website.

nothing is nothing

My discontent is mounting.

Using cinnamon to flavor your meat

Cinnamon doesn't always have to be a dessert spice.
It can be used to enhance the flavor of meat as well.

Baked Cinnamon Meat Loaf

2 Tbsp Nuoc mam (Substitute with soy sauce if fish sauce is not available)
1 1/2 Tbsp ground cinnamon
2 tsp sugar
1 tsp ground black pepper
1 Tbsp potato starch (may substitute with corn starch)
1 oz pork fat, very finely chopped
2-3 shallots, very finely chopped
oil, for greasing
1 lb lean ground pork

1. In a large bowl, mix nuoc mam, cinnamon, sugar and pepper together. Beat in potato starch.
2. Add mince pork, pork fat, and shallots. Mix thoroughly. Cover and refrigerate for 3-4 hours.
3. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly oil baking pan and spread pork mixture in it -- it should feel springy.
4. Cover with foil and bake for 35-40 minutes. For a more brown and crunchy texture, remove foil during the last 10 minutes.
5. Turn the meat loaf out on to a board and slice into strips.

Serve 4-6.

111 cals, 16g protein, 4.8g carbs of which 2.3g are from sugar, 3g fat, 47 mg cholesterol, 0.2g fiber, 9mg calcium, 54 mg sodium.

Can fried food and bacon be healthy? Let's try!

I know that this is going to sound like blasphemy to the diet and exercise world, but I am a HUGE proponent of eating "bad" foods.
I can't help it. I'm a passionate foodie.
But at the same time, I am careful about what goes and what sticks around.
I used to go on low carb diets, low fat diets, low calorie diets, low glycemic diets, carb-cycling diets, all which suck and made me a very unpleasant person to be around.
So once a week, I have a fry day. Tuesdays, actually, are my fry days.
But don't worry, deep-fried foods and bacon doesn't have to be bad for you.
The secret to great, healthy(er) fried foods to get preheat clean, healthy oils with a smoke point of 400+ degrees F. Oils such as canola, corn, soy or peanut are good choices. Oils such as olive oil have lower smoke points (about 350) and are better for sauteing.
Try to avoid breading when deep frying as these things tend to absorb a lot of oil and flake off making the oil dirty and more likely to burn.
Now, moving on to bacon.
Yes, it can be greasy, fatty, and bad for you. But surprisingly enough, bacon is high protein, low carb, full of robust flavor and when cooked crispy and drained, not so unhealthy.

That being said, tonight's menu was fried spring rolls, fried rice, and beef and bacon skewers. Comfort food. Yum. It's not something I eat every day, but once-a-week is a good compromise.